Battle of the Butt-Floss

Reading this funny Jezebel article about thong underwear inspired me to post about my own existential butt-floss battle. See, I love the look of vintage lingerie and enjoy wearing it when I’m not wearing anything else, but I honestly cannot stand the feel of full back underwear under clothes.

A lot of noise has been made recently about how cool and feminist it is to wear “granny panties,” to embrace comfort over pandering to the male gaze. The g-string is snarkily looked down upon and seen as passé and uncool, a sad and embarrassing relic of a bygone era of tramp-stamps and “whale tail.”

Thongs are SO over. Even legendary ass-haver Kim Kardashian has gotten on the big panty train with her new lingerie line.

There’s just one problem. There is nothing less comfortable to me than a big wad of fabric bunching up in my ass. I’ve been wearing thongs/g-strings to the exclusion of all other styles since the early 90s, so it’s what I’m used to. It has nothing to do with wanting to appeal to men, it’s purely about comfort. Thongs feel like nothing to me. On the other hand, wearing huge, bulky diaper-like panties, particularly while working out, is unbearable. Wedgie City.

This issue has been front and center (well, back and center) during my post-hysterectomy recovery because the post op compression panties I have to wear every day don’t come in a thong style. Bastards…

So what’s an old-school girl to do? Once I get my Silver Fox groove back, I want to start upgrading to cool modern styles and not be stuck forever in the aughties with Brittany and Paris. But I’m also not willing to sacrifice my version of comfort to get there.

Enter the femme boxer.

Seriously, ladies. These are hands down the best and most comfortable non-thong underwear I’ve ever worn. And cute too. Highly recommended, even if you don’t hate traditional fullback panties. Or, if the “femme” label doesn’t appeal or apply to you, TomboyX also makes superb, comfy AF boxer briefs for everybody.

Because I realized that my problem with full back panties was not just the bunching up factor, but also the way they cut across the middle of my ass cheeks.

Just no. However, with boxer briefs (femme or otherwise) the hem sits down low, below the lower curve of the cheek.

Problem solved! This old 90s girl learns a new trick and gets dragged, panties first, into the oncoming 2020s.

That being said, I’ll probably never give up wearing my favorite workout thongs in the gym.

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